“I Felt Like I Would Die If I Didn’t Binge”| Eating Disorder Recovery Story
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With Emily T.
What if the addiction is not alcohol
Not drugs
Not gambling
What if it is food
On this powerful episode of Crosstalk Podcast we welcome Emily Trias for a raw conversation about binge eating bulimia restriction body dysmorphia and the kind of addiction that hides in plain sight
This is not just a story about food
It is a story about survival
About secrecy
About shame
And about recovery.
The Moment Everything Changed
Emily describes the exact day her eating disorder began
She was 17 years old
At a summer acting camp
Looking in the mirror after a shower
She remembers what she was wearing
She remembers her hair
She remembers the feeling
Her body never looked the same again
What started as subtle comparison to a vegetarian roommate quickly evolved into restrictive eating behaviors
Celery carrots hummus
Specific strange food rituals
Denial
No one noticed
Because addiction is sneaky
She graduated high school
Got into her dream school at New York University Tisch School of the Arts
And from the outside everything looked perfect
Inside it was unraveling
When Food Becomes the Drug
For six years Emily lived in a cycle of bingeing and restricting
Bingeing brought the high
Restriction felt like control
Chewing and spitting gave the illusion of satisfaction without consequences
But before the behavior there was something deeper
It felt like I cannot be in this moment
It felt like I would die if I did not engage in the behavior
That is addiction
The same urgency
The same obsession
The same relief
Food became numbness
Freedom
Escape
While other students were building college memories Emily often rushed home to be alone with food
Not because she loved it
But because she felt she needed it
The Secret Isolation
One of the most heartbreaking parts of this story is how functional she remained
She was busy
Rehearsals
Classes
Performances
The structure helped her survive
But when she was not needed somewhere she was alone in her room bingeing
Crying
In agony
Feeling trapped between hating food and needing it
Addiction does not always look like chaos
Sometimes it looks like high achievement
Good grades
Smiles
And silent suffering
Rock Bottom Was Quiet
After graduation Emily moved home
There was no dramatic collapse
No flashing red lights
Just increasing depression
Apathy
Isolation
Entire days spent bingeing
She showed up to work disheveled
Emotionally exhausted
That was the moment she knew she needed help
In 2019 she entered treatment
First partial hospitalization
Then residential care
And that decision saved her life
What Eating Disorder Treatment Really Looks Like
Recovery from a substance still requires abstinence
Recovery from food is different
You cannot avoid it
You need it to survive
Residential treatment was structured around meals
Three meals
Three snacks
Every single day
Mandatory
Supported
Supervised
There were therapists and dietitians
Group therapy
Art therapy
Gentle yoga
Nature walks
Food was no longer secret
It was shared
And slowly the chaos began to soften
Body Dysmorphia and the Mind’s Tricks
Emily speaks honestly about not fully trusting her own perception in the mirror
One reflection looks fine
Five seconds later it looks different
Body dysmorphia can distort reality
But in treatment she learned something powerful
There is an ED self
And there is a soul self
The ED self is fear
Compulsion
Judgment
The soul self is awareness
Love
Non judgment
Higher self
Recovery became about pausing
Noticing the thought
And responding from the soul self instead
Why This Episode Matters
Everyone has a relationship with food
Everyone has a relationship with their body
But not everyone recognizes when that relationship turns into something consuming
If you have ever felt out of control around food
If you have ever hidden eating behaviors
If you have ever looked in the mirror and not recognized yourself
You are not alone
Recovery is possible
Healing is possible
And help exists
For more honest conversations about addiction mental health and transformation subscribe to Crosstalk Podcast
Your better life might begin with one brave conversation
FAQs
Who is Emily?
Emily Trias is an eating disorder recovery advocate who shares her personal journey through binge eating, restriction, and body dysmorphia, highlighting the realities of food addiction and recovery.Is this episode only about eating disorders?
No. It goes deeper into identity, shame, secrecy, high-functioning addiction, and the emotional challenges that accompany compulsive behaviors. Food addiction is the starting point, but the story touches on healing, self-awareness, and reclaiming life.Who will resonate most with this episode?
Anyone who has struggled with food, body image, or compulsive behaviors, or loved someone facing an eating disorder. It’s also for those learning that recovery is possible, and transformation begins with awareness and support.
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